I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
