it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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