My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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