genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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