we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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