Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
