He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
