wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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