I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
