Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize