I just pynch a tree in the face
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
