please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize