After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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