new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
