garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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