did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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