One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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