the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
