morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We left the knife in your bed.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
