I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
