Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize