I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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