Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
