I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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