i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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