I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
