I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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