dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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