We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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