Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
the liver wants what the liver wants
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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