i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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