tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
