God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
