my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
