Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
