Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
