And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I feel like abortions should bother me more
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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