i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize