So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize