I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
