So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
