Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
