Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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