laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
