Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
