i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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