That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
