The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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