I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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