she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
