tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
