Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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