He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it's like iHOP with fire
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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