Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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