Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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