Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
