I wish I could punch you in the face.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
