at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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