nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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