So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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