things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
