I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Randomize
