You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
